"The Lead Singer is Distracting Me" is Distracting Me

So a while back I wrote this thing for McSweeney's as a short, imagined monologue. It is now not so much imagined:

It's its own piece -- different from what I would have imagined (I was thinking more the quiet, choked outrage of a very shy person, and this is flashier, also mostly (and smartly) paraphrased) -- but it's still pretty neat that anyone bothered. I'm with commentator Garuntun in digging him keeping the WOOSH from the original; and it's neat seeing the buckets of views and positive comments a thing you're tangentially associated with is getting. I am chalking this up as a victory for rock-and-roll nerds everywhere. So yes. That was a little rock and roll. Here, as per Donny-and-Marie regulations, is a little country.